Adversities or Advantages

Someone recently asked me what made me so happy and successful in life and it made me think. As I was examining my life and thinking about my strengths and what makes me who I am, I realized something. Most of the strengths that I consider my greatest advantages were caused by the adversities in my past.

Things that most people would consider an abused or dysfunctional childhood made me a more compassionate, loving, understanding and determined woman.

Now I’m not saying that anyone needs to experience mental, physical and sexual abuse to have these attributes. What I am saying is that I believe that we can find the lessons in everything that we experience. In fact I believe that is how we are meant to grow, learn and evolve into who it is we are meant to be.

As a Certified Coach I often meet people who have had some type of dysfunction in their past. As a matter of fact who hasn’t had some degree of adversity in their lives? Some of us learn and grow from it and some stay stuck in the past or feel that life is unfair and don’t move forward.

My mission is to help those who are struggling to get past the things that hold them back. You know that inner voice that tells you that you’re not good enough or that you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough or whatever it is that your past experiences tell you. That voice is just an old recording that can be changed. I did it and it changed my life. I know that you can overcome your inner voice too.

Let me share my story with you to give you some idea of how my life changed and how I know that it is possible to live a life you love.

My first experience with depression was when I was around 15 years old. Life for me at that time was anything but happy. My parents had gotten divorced when I was around 10 years old. My father left and we didn’t see him or hear from him again until I looked for him when I turned 18. We were very close before he left us and I missed him more than I can say.

By the time I was 11 years old we had moved so many times that I had attended 10 different schools. Making friends became easy for me and yet I always knew that I wouldn’t have them as friends for very long before we moved again.

I lived with my brother, my mother and my step father. When I was around 12, my step father began sexually molested me. This went on over a period of several months. I was afraid to tell my mother because she was pregnant with my half brother and I didn’t want my mom to be upset. I can remember thinking, if I tell her she will leave and then the baby will not have a father and I knew how that felt. So I suffered silently. Finally the day came when I was brave enough to tell my mother what was happening. She responded by calling me a “slut”. Of course I was an innocent twelve year old girl who had never even kissed a boy but I was labeled and shamed.

The feeling of living in a house with the man that molested me and the mother who blamed me was a formula for disaster. I was trapped. I had no place to turn. We had no relatives that were a part of our lives and certainly I couldn’t tell anyone. Look at what happened when I told my mother.

I believed that no one could possibly love me. My father didn’t love me, he left. My mother didn’t love me, she chose to live with a child molester rather than protect me. I lived with that belief for many years.

So at age 15 I decided that my only option was to kill myself. I took a bottle of aspirin not realizing that the only thing that would do was cause me to have my stomach pumped. I remember feeling disappointed that I didn’t die because I did not want to go back home.

After staying in the hospital overnight my mother and step father picked me up and brought me home. In the car on the way home my mother turned to me and said “I don’t know what you were trying to prove but this doesn’t change anything”. That was the extent of the conversation.

So I endured two more years of living with my step father and a mother who I now believe needed psychological help. She must have had many demons of her own. Her insecurities and emotional issues caused her to put me down every chance she got.

When I brought home my report card and it was all A’s she told me that I thought I was better than everyone and I was just a little “bitch”. When I had a friend that was the type of role model any mother would want for her daughter she told me that I was a bad influence on her and I should get new friends.

The harder I tried to get her to love me the more insecure and angry she became. Finally on July 5th 1984 at age 17 I decided I had enough. That morning she came into my room and pulled me out of bed by my hair calling me all kinds of choice names because I didn’t watch the fireworks with her and her husband and my brothers the night before.

She was mad because like every other teenager I hung out with my friends and my boyfriend on the fourth of July. I can only explain it to myself as an emotional imbalance of some kind.

That was the last time I saw my mother and step father. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do but that day when she went grocery shopping with my step father I packed my clothes and moved out. Looking back on it now I have no idea where I found the strength to leave that day but I never went back.

It wasn’t easy but I survived. I managed to find a place to live by working as a live in maid. It was a pleasure and a blessing to be free of my mother and all of the hurt that she caused me.

By the time I turned 20 I was married to my high school sweetheart. We were two young naïve kids who were looking for love and stability in each other. Neither one of us was equipped to help the other because we had so much to learn about ourselves first.

The feeling of being lonely, not good enough and completely unlovable followed me everywhere. I knew that I needed to change but I had no idea how. My wakeup call came on New Year’s Eve when I was 24 years old. I was a proud new Mother of a beautiful 7 month old baby girl, Jessica.

That New Year’s we decided to go out with about 10 of our friends and celebrate. We all bought tickets for one of those New Years package deals where you get dinner, dancing, drinks and a hotel for the evening. My mother and father in law watched Jessica and it was my first time away from her overnight. So I was a little nervous as all new mothers are but I knew that she was safe.

We had a GREAT time! Dinner was great the band played all of our favorite songs and it was so nice to spend some time with old friends. Around 11:30 I felt really dizzy and sick so I went to the ladies room thinking I had too much to drink. Well when I got in the ladies room and looked down at my legs through my BLACK pantyhose. I saw huge welts all over me. Then I noticed that my lips were tingling and felt really weird. When I looked in the mirror and saw the size of my lips that were at least 2-3 times their normal size, I’m talking worse than a collagen injection that went REALLY bad, I figured something was very wrong. I’m quick like that. : )

My best friend Amy, who happened to be in the ladies room at the same time, went to get our husbands to figure out what we should do. Mind you that by this time it is just about midnight. So our husbands come over and my husband says “I think you need to go to the room and lay down. You’ll be fine you just had too much to drink.” You know that little voice inside your head that tells you when something is wrong? Well mine was screaming “YOU NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.”

After I convinced my husband (who is now my x-husband) that I DID NOT need to lay down, my friend Tony, Amy’s husband rushed the 4 of us to the hospital. He was the only one who didn’t drink that night. It was only 5 -10 miles away but that was the longest car ride of my life.

While we were on our way I lost my eye sight and was really scared. I kept asking for my baby even though I knew exactly where she was and then, I couldn’t breathe. I was carried into the emergency room unconscious. By the time we reached the emergency room my heart had stopped. They gave me a shot of adrenaline straight to my heart and when that didn’t work, they used paddles on my chest and after three times I was literally shocked back to life. So that was my wake up call.

It turned out to be an allergic reaction to shrimp. Imagine that!

From that moment on I was determined to live my life to the fullest and to make a difference in this world. That was when I started reading, studying, learning and researching every piece of personal development information I could get my hands on. I knew that if I was going to help others live their best life I needed to learn to live my best life and I did. I am proud to say that today I am happier that I ever imagined possible. The anger and depression are gone. I feel deeply grateful for all that I have each and every day. I have two beautiful daughters who I am so proud of. They have taught me how to love unconditionally and that life is a precious gift. Although I divorced the father of my girls I don’t regret a minute of my marriage to him. We married far too young, both had our own set of baggage and grew miles apart but I learned a lot from our marriage together. I wish him only the best.

I am now remarried, to the man of my dreams. Steven has shown me what true love really is. He is the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met and at the same time strong. His love for me is unwavering. That is something that I never thought I would feel. We share our hopes and dreams and can communicate openly about the good and the bad. That is a rare gift indeed.

My father and I now have a very close relationship and he is one of my best friends. It took me many years to forgive him but once I let go of the anger and hurt of abandonment I discovered that my father is an amazing man who overcame his own hurtful past.

As for my mother I have not seen her for almost 20 years. I now understand that she simply did not have the strength to protect me or to leave her husband. It wasn’t about me. I have forgiven her but choose to not have her and her husband be a part of my life. I have two beautiful daughters to protect.

I have more joy, love, fulfillment and abundance in my life than I ever thought possible. That day when I was 15 and had no hope and I couldn’t see how life would ever be any different seems so far away from me now. It’s like a different lifetime. In many ways it is.

It pains me every time that I hear of a suicide because I know the hopelessness and desperation that was felt but I also know that no matter how bad or hopeless things may seem there is always hope. There is always more love and joy. It lies within each of us is and just waiting to be discovered.

I have changed in more ways than I can tell you. Most of the change came about for me when I started to truly understand my thoughts. When I learned that thoughts control our feelings and that feelings effect our actions and actions impact our results and in turn results go back to confirming our thoughts and beliefs everything changed.

Thoughts create your Feelings
Feelings create your Actions
Actions create your Results
Results create your Thoughts

It is one big cycle.

After 15 years of personal development and self growth I knew that I had to help others in some way. During my sales career as a Regional Coaching Manager I started to feel very disenchanted with all of the politics and paperwork. Being away from my daughters everyday and coming home exhausted each night became unbearable.

The one part of my job that was deeply fulfilling was when I was coaching Managers and discussing their strengths and desires and helping them build their business. Then I discovered Network marketing and Coaching and realized that I could have it all, more time with my family, my own business, the fulfillment of helping others and truly making a difference in this world. I knew it was time for me to follow my dream. After 15 years of personal development and self growth I knew that I had to help others in some way. During my sales career as a Regional Coaching Manager I started to feel very disenchanted with all of the politics and paperwork. Being away from my daughters everyday and coming home exhausted each night became unbearable.

The one part of my job that was deeply fulfilling was when I was coaching Managers and discussing their strengths and desires and helping them build their business. Then I discovered Network marketing and Coaching and realized that I could have it all, more time with my family, my own business, the fulfillment of helping others and truly making a difference in this world. I knew it was time for me to follow my dream.After 15 years of personal development and self growth I knew that I had to help others in some way. During my sales career as a Regional Coaching Manager I started to feel very disenchanted with all of the politics and paperwork. Being away from my daughters everyday and coming home exhausted each night became unbearable.

The one part of my job that was deeply fulfilling was when I was coaching Managers and discussing their strengths and desires and helping them build their business. Then I discovered Network marketing and Coaching and realized that I could have it all, more time with my family, my own business, the fulfillment of helping others and truly making a difference in this world. I knew it was time for me to follow my dream.

So, what about you? What was it that caused you to follow your dreams of living your best life? What will it take for you to build the business and financial security that you deserve?